I am having trouble introducing myself lately. I start with “I am a…” and when whatever of the following options come along, I cringe and twitch internally.
- Writer: Oh isn’t that soooo pretentious? Or did I just say that I am a hopelessly delusional loser? Am I trying to impress?
- Translator: OK, this sounds safe. But hey, I only “translate” for a couple of hours a day. I spend more time on my unpaid writings. Am I trying to impress?
- (Small) business owner: Oh here comes another buzzword. Where is the profit, Isao? Am I trying to impress?
- Freelancer: Am I selling myself too short? Or isn’t this a glorified way to say that I am not employed by anybody? Am I trying to impress?
The problem isn’t in any of those “labels.” It is that anything sounds pretentious and superficial as soon as it is combined with “I am.”
Any label represents a part of me, but none encompasses who I am as a whole. The phrase “I am” automatically pigeon-holes me into one role. Oh, you say I can list more than one? I dare you to say “Hi, I am a business owner, a translator, a writer, a lover.”
Now, what happens when I have only one chance to introduce myself? I put up the shiniest, most impressive cards in my hands. That’s where my twitching occurs. “I am a marketing executive” (showing off my social rank) “I work at Microsoft” (showing off my branding rank) “I am a writer” (showing off my artistic rank). You know what’s sad? I fail to impress either. As every pickup artist tells you, the fastest way to make no impression is to try to impress.
The problem is in the act of labeling itself, and therefore, the usage of the term “am.” The solution to get out of this quicksand is to stop labeling and start…simply describing.
Instead of “I am,” I can say “I do.” (In this case, it isn’t that serious.) Thus, I can say any combination of the following phrases and not feel restricted by my own words. “I translate.” “I run business.” “I write.”
A verb is by definition dynamic and temporal. A verb can articulate something as clearly as a noun, but does not fix that thing to a single point in time or make it larger/smaller than it is.
I can list as many actions I take without worrying which is above or below others. Multiple elements are listed in parallel, co-existing in peace. I sell real estates / design magazine covers / construct houses can safely stay with I write poems / draw sketches / organize social events.
A verb also pulls me back from past memories or future fantasies into current events. A verb puts me in the Now and then thrusts me into motion. By introducing myself using verbs, I can reassure who I am—at this moment—and what I should do, not only to others but also to myself. A positive spiral begins.
Being is over. Doing is the new black.
Came to the same conclusion some years back. This is an important point grasped by very few people.
Many years ago I was visiting NYC for the first time. I was walking around Central Park when suddenly a young man and woman came up to me. The woman asked me, “excuse me, if you were to see this guy next to me on the street, what would you think of him? What kind of guy would you say he is.”
I looked at her then at him, and said, “just a guy. I can’t say more without knowing him.”
They said that was a good answer and thanked me.
Related to this, a friend ibises to play guitar with in SF once said to me: “go up to a woman and compliment her. Then walk away.”
I wonder what happened after you followed the guitar-man’s advice 🙂 But yeah, we are so worried about our identity we instantly try to seal ourselves by saying I am…I am… Just utter your name, that’s it. The rest is nobody’s business, even yourself.
I can tell you what happened..! It’s all part of not grasping–it comes back to being in the moment and just appreciating it for what it is without projecting what you think should or want to be. It used to be, years ago, that if I saw some slimmer of connection in whatever form I would chase it–even, as it is probably is for most people in most situations–there is nothing necessarily more to it beyond that meeting. So why chase something which probably does not have real long term good for either party? We can’t know for sure, but that’s just the reality of probability. If you pay attention to your energy and how you relate to other people, with opposite sex or anyone, naturally it lets you appreciate that person more, without feeling like you need to add anything onto it or get something out of it. I think, even for people who haven’t thought about these points consciously, subconsciously, when you give that impression, sincerely, it rubs off, and that person, whomever it is can see, “hey, this person is just listening&talking and is prepared to walk away without expecting something in return..” thus paradoxically, “I can let my guard down/maybe this is a good person to know!”
Actually such a situation arose just yesterday. I was out playing guitar when a young, cute girl came up to me with her own guitar and asked me for some advice and help, as she had just bought a guitar. We chatted and played a bit. It was all serendipitous–and then another, unrelated guy, attracted by our cumulative energy, came over and wanted to take a picture of the two of us with our guitars, even though I had actually just met her! It was almost a movie-stereotypical situation of my music literally attracting a girl; yet I didn’t feel there was anymore to the situation or our interaction than what we shared there.
So eventually I said, “nice talking with you, take care” and got up, and went home to make dinner.
一期一会!
Oh just flat out brilliant, Isao. I am- is defining yourself through whatever is in the blank. It attaches you to _________ and you may not necessarily mean to do that. What happens is that, the other person gets an idea in their head of who you are, a preconceived idea. I prefer to say, “I work with children” rather than “I am a teacher” because I feel like defining myself as a teacher would be incorrect because it is not my life’s calling.
Right—the sad part is the more I use I am, the more that phrase defines myself. What I say becomes the real me, and I might even think that Hey, isn’t this the real me? We can use it for self-affirmation or self-actualization as countless seminars attest, but I think it is better to focus on the now and pick what is going at the moment rather than hypnotizing ourselves with a brand.