So I joined this seminar the first time in three months.
I was a bit nervous, not about the seminar itself, but about the networking session that follows.
The reason I decided to take some break from EA-Tokyo was I felt I was in a wrong place when I attended the last networking session, three months ago. It has nothing to do with the session itself.

It was me, that I felt like an imposter disguising my identity (a corporate troop trying to behave like a independent worker) and robbing the precious time from the serial/first-time/would-be entrepreneur in front of me, by letting him talk enthusiastically about his vision believing he is about to get a valuable connection to an unknown industry. There are not many people who set up a company in the chip industry where I belong – that usually requires a heavy upfront investment and besides, who wants to compete directly with Chinese companies?

I thought I wasn’t qualified to be there because I was not an entrepreneur yet. More accurately I tried to think that’s the reason, which looks like a legitimate excuse at a glance so that it might protect me from looking like a failure (“Well, you know, I am in a research …”). But the truth is that I left there because I felt ashamed of myself comparing with others. I felt I was so unstable and fragile without having a goal or purpose in my life, while those people there seemed to have enduring passions and clear visions.

Nevertheless I got back into the networking session and it was different than what I imagined. I talked with several people and I never felt exhausted or depressed or ashamed or whatever negative, I only got energized and two hours passed in a moment. Hmm, what happened?

I guess I felt in that way because I got clearer vision of what I am going to do with my life in the previous couple of months – that shook me off some of the imposter label I put on myself, I guess. Though that doesn’t mean I decided to be an entrepreneur, I am more comfortable that at least I am getting closer to a certain class, the group of people who really care about what they are doing and not using their job or positions just to enjoy leisure time or feel secure about their lives. I don’t say anything negative about looking for security and stability in life – I mean in my case, I lacked commitment by trying to stay in a confort zone, trying to be an observer and not making my hands dirty. I was abusing my position, that’s what I thought.

Maybe I am still in an observing mode, and now I think – if I am going to observe, why don’t I get REALLY good at observing? Get into it, welcome to the real world. At least I feel better that I am starting to realize the lack of commitment and the destructive effect it has on me and the people in my inner circle.

One more reason I attended tonight’s seminar. I recently started contributing to EA-Tokyo newsletter and I wanted to see by myself how exactly the seminar go. Need to see the introduction I wrote isn’t very far away from what the audience really gets.

Next time I will write about the theme of the discussion and about the beer we enjoyed after the seminar. Good night.